[Slowly, Agnes' smile falls again. Her brows furrow, her expression becoming melancholic and troubled. She looks back toward the book again, closing it.]
[She can't argue that she hasn't been kind, so it's hard for Agnes to know exactly how to reply. She takes a slow breath.]
I simply mean...I've done very unkind things. I'm afraid the hurt I cause outweighs any of the actions I make that attempt to do the opposite. What I am...sometimes, even attempts to be kind only ultimately bring suffering.
( there's a note of sadness in her tone, something that really connects with it as if she knows. whilst lilith won't ever feel guilty about her actions she knows that a lot have caused others pain )
The actions you choose for yourself aren't those which others have twisted your hand into. Even kind people can do unkind things but it doesn't make them cruel or monstrous.
( words that could be closer attributed to herself )
[Agnes' shoulders fall. There's a comfort in Lilith's words. But there's regret, too. She pulls her knees up to her chest, almost childlike in the protectiveness of the gesture.]
( her hand reaches out to rest on agnes's, a comforting gesture she does on instinct, something she's not used to doing but also isn't really thinking about, simply offering it )
We've all done unkind things.
( and agnes will never find judgement about them from lilith. simply understanding )
[The hand is a second comfort. Without thinking, she leans over, resting her head on Lilith's shoulder. She's just quiet, for a long while, turning her hand over so she can hold onto Lilith's properly, before she finally admits what's been on her mind.]
You told me about your Adam. How he was killed because of your fondness. But that's not how things were with Jack. He did not die. And I'm the one who knowingly brought him his agony. I did it knowing he would suffer. I had no reason, no real reason at all to do it. I simply did.
( even with all that they've done together she still feels a little awkward with the woman leaned against her. at least for a moment until agnes seeks her hand to properly hold it, running her thumb over her knuckles )
There's always a reason. It may seem small but something would have caused it.
( because otherwise she's seriously misread this woman. how could this kind woman so callously hurt someone? unless something had pressed her )
He asked me if I would kiss him. I wanted to, so I did.
[Jon had asked her why. Why would she do it, when she knew how badly it would hurt him? All she could say was that he'd asked. It hurts so badly to think about him, still, and what she did.]
( and in that lilith understands. it hadn't been cruelty at her heart but simple want and desire. she's sure that agnes knew what her touch would do to the man but it doesn't change her thoughts. she's not unkind. and it causes her to squeeze the woman's hand, kiss to the top of her head, words a little muffled by the red hair )
What was done to you was cruel, unkind. You-- simply wanted what no one could give you. It doesn't make you cruel.
[Her voice is small as she acts, knowing that of course Lilith is telling her the truth, that she isn't speaking from a place of dishonesty. Still, Agnes looks so sad.]
Because causing others pain is not an enjoyable thing.
( even though lilith no longer felt guilt about it she didn't enjoy hurting people. unless they deserved it. in the beginning when lucifer had first commanded it she'd cried about it but she'd had to learn to cover and move past her weaknesses as much as it pained her )
[It's a nice sentiment...and one that's hard to accept, but that still resonates with her. After a moment, she smiles, and brings their hands up to her cheek.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I'm not kind. Not really.
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( there's a frown in her expression, lilith finding the idea difficult with what she knows about the woman )
You've given me something that I could never have asked for. Something that you didn't need to. What was that if not a kindness?
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I simply mean...I've done very unkind things. I'm afraid the hurt I cause outweighs any of the actions I make that attempt to do the opposite. What I am...sometimes, even attempts to be kind only ultimately bring suffering.
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( there's a note of sadness in her tone, something that really connects with it as if she knows. whilst lilith won't ever feel guilty about her actions she knows that a lot have caused others pain )
The actions you choose for yourself aren't those which others have twisted your hand into. Even kind people can do unkind things but it doesn't make them cruel or monstrous.
( words that could be closer attributed to herself )
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Some things I chose.
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We've all done unkind things.
( and agnes will never find judgement about them from lilith. simply understanding )
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You told me about your Adam. How he was killed because of your fondness. But that's not how things were with Jack. He did not die. And I'm the one who knowingly brought him his agony. I did it knowing he would suffer. I had no reason, no real reason at all to do it. I simply did.
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There's always a reason. It may seem small but something would have caused it.
( because otherwise she's seriously misread this woman. how could this kind woman so callously hurt someone? unless something had pressed her )
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[Jon had asked her why. Why would she do it, when she knew how badly it would hurt him? All she could say was that he'd asked. It hurts so badly to think about him, still, and what she did.]
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What was done to you was cruel, unkind. You-- simply wanted what no one could give you. It doesn't make you cruel.
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[Her voice is small as she acts, knowing that of course Lilith is telling her the truth, that she isn't speaking from a place of dishonesty. Still, Agnes looks so sad.]
Why can't I stop feeling so guilty?
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( even though lilith no longer felt guilt about it she didn't enjoy hurting people. unless they deserved it. in the beginning when lucifer had first commanded it she'd cried about it but she'd had to learn to cover and move past her weaknesses as much as it pained her )
Feeling such guilt-- shows your true heart.
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Thank you, Lilith.
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Perhaps without those others here you'll find for yourself who you are.
( lilith had made her own path here without lucifer's influence, had remembered her own wishes and dreams and had followed them. agnes could too )
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[It's slow going, and she's still having a difficult time accepting what people say about her, but...it's been a big help.]
I think I will, with time.