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I've not spent the Solstice with another.

( and recently she felt a little better in company than without it. considering she'd be reflecting in this time-- she didn't want to be too lost in her sadness )

And I admit that I've enjoyed your company.

( hence why she keeps coming back. she's just not great at verbally sharing positivity )

[With that admission, Agnes allows herself to be more properly thrilled about the prospect. A holiday with someone. A celebration. Her expression looks so warm.]

I've enjoyed your company as well. Yes, I would like to join you.

( a fond smile comes to her and lilith finds that she's far more pleased about this than she would have expected, it warming her in a way that she hadn't expected. perhaps agnes just has that effect on people )

There isn't much more that I have to do today. The cookies and the spell are the last that I can do until the Solstice.

( but she hadn't invited agnes over just to send her away. she just-- doesn't know where to lead. she isn't used to having guests )

But-- I'm certain there's something to do to fill the evening.

( her mind isn't even going there. yet )

As long as it’s with you, I’ll be content.

[Agnes says it so unabashed, as if it’s the easiest admission. She looks around the room again, smile now stuck on her face.]

Is anything here a particular favorite of yours?

( there's a small hum as she thinks )

When I'm home-- it's usually to be alone. Most people I may meet-- ( or become intimate with ) I do so outside of this cottage.

( which means that there's a very small number that's been here. or even knows where she lives. lilith also doesn't spend a great deal of time here. she's not good at not having something to do )

Here-- I read.

( though it's not typically fiction. when they go back through to the living room agnes will note that most of her books are magical or historical texts, a variety of languages amongst them. sadly the contents of them aren't quite what lilith wanted due to the nature of this place but there is at least some information and insights within them )

Would you mind if I looked through them? I'll keep my gloves on, of course.

[But she's curious. She wants to see what Lilith's magics look like in text.]

Of course.

( there's a slight nod of her head, letting agnes go back through to the other room. for the moment she'll finish with her cookies, starting to box up the first batch now that they'd cooled a little, waiting for the second batch to come out and be boxed up before she joins her, giving her around thirty minutes to peruse her library )

[When Lilith returns, Agnes is stooped over a book of magic, studying it with such intensity one would think that she actually knows how to read it. She doesn't, of course, but it intrigues her all the same. She thinks about the tome that Jon had, when he asked her to burn him. If that spell worked, does that mean anyone can learn? Does she have a proclivity for magic by virtue of what she is, or would she need to be something different altogether? When she hears Lilith grow closer, she speaks lowly without looking up.]

I've always found it fascinating that one could live forever and still find something new to learn.

( that's a statement that lilith deeply feels and perhaps one day she'll tell agnes more about it )

The world is constantly changing. Each day there is something new.

( she sits on the couch, watching the woman's curiosity )

You showed me something new.

Have I?

[That makes her pause, and she looks up and toward Lilith, a small smile lighting the corners of her lips.]

Partly with your powers but with whi you are as well.

( the first went without saying but there was so much more to her )

You have such a kindness in you despite what has been done to you.

( and it was beautiful. lilith was awed by it and also enamored, particularly when she felt that kindness )

[Slowly, Agnes' smile falls again. Her brows furrow, her expression becoming melancholic and troubled. She looks back toward the book again, closing it.]

I'm not kind. Not really.

No?

( there's a frown in her expression, lilith finding the idea difficult with what she knows about the woman )

You've given me something that I could never have asked for. Something that you didn't need to. What was that if not a kindness?

[She can't argue that she hasn't been kind, so it's hard for Agnes to know exactly how to reply. She takes a slow breath.]

I simply mean...I've done very unkind things. I'm afraid the hurt I cause outweighs any of the actions I make that attempt to do the opposite. What I am...sometimes, even attempts to be kind only ultimately bring suffering.

What you are-- or what others have made you into?

( there's a note of sadness in her tone, something that really connects with it as if she knows. whilst lilith won't ever feel guilty about her actions she knows that a lot have caused others pain )

The actions you choose for yourself aren't those which others have twisted your hand into. Even kind people can do unkind things but it doesn't make them cruel or monstrous.

( words that could be closer attributed to herself )

[Agnes' shoulders fall. There's a comfort in Lilith's words. But there's regret, too. She pulls her knees up to her chest, almost childlike in the protectiveness of the gesture.]

Some things I chose.

( her hand reaches out to rest on agnes's, a comforting gesture she does on instinct, something she's not used to doing but also isn't really thinking about, simply offering it )

We've all done unkind things.

( and agnes will never find judgement about them from lilith. simply understanding )

[The hand is a second comfort. Without thinking, she leans over, resting her head on Lilith's shoulder. She's just quiet, for a long while, turning her hand over so she can hold onto Lilith's properly, before she finally admits what's been on her mind.]

You told me about your Adam. How he was killed because of your fondness. But that's not how things were with Jack. He did not die. And I'm the one who knowingly brought him his agony. I did it knowing he would suffer. I had no reason, no real reason at all to do it. I simply did.

( even with all that they've done together she still feels a little awkward with the woman leaned against her. at least for a moment until agnes seeks her hand to properly hold it, running her thumb over her knuckles )

There's always a reason. It may seem small but something would have caused it.

( because otherwise she's seriously misread this woman. how could this kind woman so callously hurt someone? unless something had pressed her )

He asked me if I would kiss him. I wanted to, so I did.

[Jon had asked her why. Why would she do it, when she knew how badly it would hurt him? All she could say was that he'd asked. It hurts so badly to think about him, still, and what she did.]

( and in that lilith understands. it hadn't been cruelty at her heart but simple want and desire. she's sure that agnes knew what her touch would do to the man but it doesn't change her thoughts. she's not unkind. and it causes her to squeeze the woman's hand, kiss to the top of her head, words a little muffled by the red hair )

What was done to you was cruel, unkind. You-- simply wanted what no one could give you. It doesn't make you cruel.

You truly believe that?

[Her voice is small as she acts, knowing that of course Lilith is telling her the truth, that she isn't speaking from a place of dishonesty. Still, Agnes looks so sad.]

Why can't I stop feeling so guilty?

Because causing others pain is not an enjoyable thing.

( even though lilith no longer felt guilt about it she didn't enjoy hurting people. unless they deserved it. in the beginning when lucifer had first commanded it she'd cried about it but she'd had to learn to cover and move past her weaknesses as much as it pained her )

Feeling such guilt-- shows your true heart.

[It's a nice sentiment...and one that's hard to accept, but that still resonates with her. After a moment, she smiles, and brings their hands up to her cheek.]

Thank you, Lilith.

( there's a slight nod, eyes closing )

Perhaps without those others here you'll find for yourself who you are.

( lilith had made her own path here without lucifer's influence, had remembered her own wishes and dreams and had followed them. agnes could too )

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lightlessflame - 2019-12-29 22:59 (UTC) - Expand